It’s 5:30 a.m,  the wife and kids are asleep and  in between tossing and turning all I can think about is the first cup of coffee filling my gullet.

eye need coffee, now.

But I can’t get up and make my own.  I’ll make too much noise.   The click, click, click of the stove and the  electro-whir of the grinder is reportedly, ‘…too damned loud right now.’  Reportedly.

So, where should I go for my fix of Joe?  I had two choices: Jack in the Box or McCafe?  Since I’m a baller, I decided on both.

Jack In The Box

As it happens, In N Out isn’t the only spot with an off-menu, menu.  At JITB, you can order the unlisted, discounted Senior’s Coffee for $.75 instead of the MSRP of $1.19.  And they (usually) don’t ask for ID!  And if they did, you can say (as some reportedly have) ‘…it’s for my Grandpa!’

My Grandpa put the G in Grandpa…b/c he thought Randpa sounded wack.

Now, I drink my coffee black, Jack.  Adding sugar and cream is like drinking a pink, mixed-drink….at a club named Metro…while wearing skinny jeans, nahmean?  But a friend of a friend likes sugar and cream and to my, er, his, er, her chagrin, JITB refuses to add them directly into the coffee.  They’ll only hand you the packets.  Now that’s some ol’ un-American bullshit if I’ve ever heard it.

Sip.  Sip.  Swish. Spit.

Judge Judy ain’t bout that life.

The Verdict:

I regret to inform you that this cup of coffee tastes like it was made at a Motel-8, biked over in the rain and then microwaved.  And I didn’t know microwaves had a lukewarm setting.  Keep your $ .75.  You might need it for later.

McCafe

First things, first.  The McDonald’s drive-thru menu is a beauty to behold.  The colors, the images, the layout, the packaging…it’s mesmerizing…as if they’d spent millions and millions of dollars researching which layout compels us to spend more money [insert sarcmark here].

While the McCafe doesn’t offer a senior discount their Dollar Menu has fed more old folk than the local Elk’s Lodge.  Never mind Ronald McDonald House, the Dollar Menu was Ron’s  greatest gift to the world.

Strike that.  Putting cream and sugar directly into your coffee is Ron’s greatest gift to the world.

I grab the coffee, place it between my legs and drive-off while pumping my brakes intermittently.  Now this feels go000od.

I pull my first sip.  And then a second.  A third.  And then it hits me.

This is why they invented Starbucks!