Our family adventure in Zion wasn’t limited to hiking the harrowing Narrows in 90 degree temperatures.

It also included trying a few products for the first time. Ever the consumer rights activist, I’ve decided to hip you to game and save you a few dollars in the process.

I’m empty on the inside but don’t judge me.

1) Smucker’s Goober Strawberry (and Peanut Butter!):  My first problem with this product is the name.  Goober has never, ever been a term of endearment.  Gooba’, maybe.  But never Goober.  Plus peanut butter doesn’t even get mentioned in the title and it’s doing half the damned work!

But the most serious issue is that Goober solves one problem by creating two.  Yes, by packaging PB&J together we’ve become more efficient but we’ve also diminished the quality of the product by confounding traditional food storage protocol.  You see, we put our jelly in the fridge and peanut butter in the pantry.  So where, pray tell, should I put this freak of nature?  Cold peanut butter, no, thanks.  Warm jelly?  Jump off Angel’s Landing with that shit.

But as you can see, we straight smashed it.

* We buy Tropical Jelly.   But if Smucker’s is listening, we’d entertain your jelly simpliciter.  Send BBD a few jars of your finest stuff.

chile? chale.

2) Nabisco’s Wheat Thins Chile Chili Cheese:  It took only one bite for me to tip my hat and flip my finger at the marketing mavens over at Nabisco.  By the looks of the box, this was Wheat Thins attempt to capture the Flaming Hot, Dorito Extreme, Taki devouring demo.  I mean, a damned spicy chile chili is on the box.  And that looks like Monterrey Jack in the background.  So, someone explain to me why this tastes like a can of Hormel Chili, the type they might serve at an emergency FEMA shelter after a natural disaster?

if you install photoshop into your cornea the Bumbleberry Motel will look like this for you, too.

3) Bumbleberry Hotel Motel:  I encourage you to use Trip Advisor and Yelp when booking a place near Zion. We didn’t.  The Bumbleberry’s aesthetic is best described as Lincoln log cabin meets bowling-alley chic.  Their saving grace is a decent pool and their proximity to the park entrance.

Odds are high that we’ll be back to Zion next year.  And our plan is to return with separate jar of peanut butter and jelly, some Triscuits and maybe some Glad New and Improved Odor Shield Febreze Fresh Clean Tall Kitchen Drawstring Bags 110 Count for the room.