I eats candy.
Ask about me.
In the car. In the bed. In the shower.
Hard candy. Hot candy. Free candy.
You?
Sure, you eat candy. But are you doing it right?
Probably not. So let me hip you to the Top 5 Candies, Dead or Alive.
5. Peanut M&Ms
Choosing Peanut over Chocolate M&Ms is the clearest way to signal you value quality over quantity; that or you’re gonna end up eating your kid’s chocolate bag anyhow.
4. Nerds
If you feel some sorta way about shotgunning standard size Nerds boxes, the tiny tot cartridge is ready to be put into action.
3. Sour Patch Kids
Some twisted confectionery exec decided that ‘kids these days are too soft,’ so he created Sour Patch Cheek Lining Destroyer Acid as a way to deliver hypertension on top of diabetes. But these shits hit.
2. Gobstoppers
These sugar rocks picked up where that juvenile rite of passage, The Jawbreaker, left off. While requiring less commitment than the original, Gobstoppers remind us that some things in life require biting down really, fucking hard.
1.Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Misspelled more than misspelled itself, the current exchange rate is 17 Almond Joys for 1 Reese’s PB Cup; 25 if the cup is refrigerated; 50 if it’s been in the freezer.
Enjoy your Halloween. May your pillowcases abound with these candies and may a Bible tract never make its way into the lot.